


shit

by va13ntino, Wired_Prophet



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Collaboration, Crack, F/M, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, M/M, Memes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 19:11:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12824160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/va13ntino/pseuds/va13ntino, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wired_Prophet/pseuds/Wired_Prophet
Summary: This fic was not written at three in the morning after watching Rogue One in theaters. No alcohol was involved in the making of this fic. Thank you.





	1. CHAPTER 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wired_Prophet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wired_Prophet/gifts).



Chirrut is not dead

He pulled the lever and then didn’t die

It was cool

Baze, his husband, doesn’t have to run after him

So he’s not dead either

Actually he does run after him but doesn’t die, they just embrace on the battlefield dramatically

They also kiss a little but no one noticed

Just a little

Except one strormtrooper

He noticed

The strormtrooper died whoops

But he died syaing “aww”

At the little kiss

Bodhi doesn’t need to explode the shippy

And he marries me, dave

Hes my husband now

And he’s alive

Congratulations

Thank you

Pleace give us cool weapons as wedding present

Okay

Actually the wedding is later in the story. After he gets away alive

Hot

K-2SO doesn’t die either, he kills all the stormtroopers like a badass

Also he marries me too, grace

C0ongregions

Thanks

Me too thanks

Me too thanks

He says “those stroptroopers sure are dead”

Dead stroptrooper say “Me too thanks

I say “Me too thanks

I, dave, am in the ship flirting w bodhi

So cassian did not die from falling 12 feet

Like in the movie

He’s fine

It’s all good

Jyn doesn’t die either she is not toast

**Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin** is not there he wasnt in this part

He’s busy getting choked by Vader in a sexy way

Krennic, however, is there, looking fancy in his white cape. 

He bleaches it everyday

What a douche

 

**FLASHBACK:**

That Galen character is alive too

He was saved by Jyn, they escaped together, so he was just kinda sitting there while jyn and cassian fought about him which made it weird but at least he wasnt dead

Chirrut and Baze (hsubands) got on the ship too and pretended this wasn’t happening and made small talk about the Force

They also made out a little

Just a little bit

No one noticed but k-2so

K-2SO said “Boy I wish I could experience intimacy.”

I, Grace, wink from the corner and wiggle my eyebrows.

I, Dave, have a super cool jacket, its like leather and canvas w too many zippers. Im also wearing cool ass knee high leather boots and my hair insnt fucked up for once. Theres a little dirt on my face but in a cool way. I have a thigh holster

Bodhi gazes gratefully at Dave from the other corner, where I, Grace, am not at.

He looks nice too

As usual

amen

 

**CURRENT TIME:**

So they’re  fighting with kreenus or whatever his name is, so creedle is talking about how the reballs have lost and all that, like a douche,

And jyn just fixed the antenna

The planet does not blow up because  **Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin** is busy being BDSM choked by Vader, as previously stated

Maybe later the planet gets blown up but after everyone escapes

We’ll get to that

Jyn and cassian get down the the ground and meet up w baze and chirrut, who’re already on the ship, makin out a little because they’re alive

So they made the transmission and jyn is like “i’m sure someone up there got that message and we gave them hope”

All that sappy stuff

Cassian is like “wow im sure glad i didnt kill gaYlen and im out hhere and the imperials are in there and im a strortrooper and here i am. alive.”

K-2SO gives him a pat on the head and says “good job”

Jyn also give him a platonic pat

Then they hug too, even though theyre not dying

Everyone is happy because theyre all alive together

Galn is gay for will graham, a stormstrooper

“This is your father now” says galen. The stormstrooper has his helmet off and is wearing a flannel too, but over the stormtrooper outfit. Hes got a fishing pole

“That’s far from the weirdest thing ive seen today” says Jyn

“That’s an unreasonable clothing combination” says k2

12 dogs are following will

They all have little stormtrooper uniforms

Chirrut and Baze have already adopted 4 of them

3 of those are force-sensitive dogs

They can throw their own tennis balls

Who’s one with the Force? Who is it?

(Me??) thinks Dog #3

It’s you! You are one with the force

Dog #3 is pleased.

So I, dave, am just hanging out in the cockpit making eyes at bodhi, who is busy flying the ship

Then the planet blows up and they see it in the rearview mirror

Or I do, because i’m hanging out in the cockpit

“Cool,” I say. No one we care about is there.

 

So Grievous is also not dead, Obi-wan didn’t kill him and they shook hands and said “good fight” instead and went their separate ways. So he’s out there

Grievous: me too thanks

EV-A4-D: Me too thanks

So a4-d and grievous are getting FREAKY out there™ somewhere, a welding iron is probably involved

Grievous is screaming

We’re all screaming

**Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin** is screaming

b/c he’s being choked by vader still

He’s kinda between chokes rn and thus able to scream

Hot

Everyone on rogue one is having a good time until the kinky grievous ship sees them and is like

“Oh lets get those guys for vader because he is our friend and we can get sweet cash for them”

To buy more gams and arms for grievous

He sure does go through those

And new medical instruments (torture devices) for A4-D

You, grace, are helping k2 pilot because thats what he does, you think

You’re not really paying much attention

Because I, Grace, am too busy looking at his long leggys to focus on actual work

Enamoured with those lanky metal gams

I, dave, am cleaning out my filthy boots w a knife until someone gets mad at me for getting dirt all over the floor

(It’s cassian who gets mad. He’s No Fun Allowed)

Well he’s the captain he can get mad when you mess up the ship

**(No fun allowed)**

I make a vague noise in response to his chastisement

 

THEN the Flying Lightsaber FuckDungeon appears in the sky in front of them. The ship is pretty good lookin too. Shapely hull, like 4 wings

That morning A4-D gave Grievous his breakfast injections of pure liquefied eggs right into his heart. nutrition

They shoot some lasers at rogue on and Grievous puts on his Menacing Voice to threaten them into surrender

Of course it does not work

A4-D jsut laughs at him in the background

He makes a snyde comment about him losing his edge since his army was deactivated and grievous makes that growly noise he does when people hurt his feelings

“You can’t shoot….what you cannot see!” someone shouts and they shoot off into hyperspace

The Flying Lightsaber FuckDungeon follows them

Can you even follow people in hyperspace i feel like this has been addressed

Of course you can this is space any thing is a possible

Rogue one goes where they know vader will not follow

Sand 

So they’re hanging out in the ship on Sand

However the droid Squad will follow as they do not fear sand

Grievous dips a4-d in a deep kiss and grumbles “stay here my darling” and goes gallivanting off into the dunes

“Dont get killed you fucking idiot” a4-d calls lovingly after him

“Just get injured badly so i can fix you up”

“..Painfully”

“Semicolon, end parenthesis”

So grievous is going out with at least 2 lightsabers. His claw feet sink in the sand a little

They sink to his ankles so it looks like he got no gotdamn feet. Its pretty cute.

But his feet are good

Yes

Anyway eventually he gets over to Rogue One which is parked like, 2 dunes away

(thats how they measure distance on Sand)

Theres like 2 houses and a convenience store on Sand its only 14 dunes around

But the convenience store is really shitty

Its mostly cheap cigarettes and bad beer

The alien at the counter is space-vaping with both his mouths

One is root beer flavored and the other is filled w weed

It smells horrid in there

Grievous cringes as he pays for his swedish fish there

“I have no mouth but i must eat swedish Fish,” the cyborg weeps. His crying sounds ridiculous

“That’ll be $4.20” says the the double-vaper

“I owe you my life”

Grievous tries to eat the fish but he has no stomach i think so he cannot, he just inhales them on accident and almost dies but doesn’t. He puts them in a cloak pocket next 2 his spare lightsabers

And carries on, across the next dune

 

MEANWHILE galen and jyn are having a Family Moment and catching up from the past like 2o yrs

Both their lives sucked

Jyn far more so than Galen’s

tho galen’s sucked p bad too


	2. CHAPTER 1.2

Then grievous comes up and knocks on the door

“Who’s there” says K2-so

“It is me, General  **_Grievouse_ ** ”

“We thought you were dead!” shouts cassian

“I died but I’m okay”

“My hot husband fixed me up. Just like i brought him back 2 life once.”

“I played evanescence’s Bring Me To Life in the background

I thought he’d want to wake up to that.”

“Sounds like a party” says K-2so

“You sound a little like my husband”

“How do you know im not your husband”

“I told him to stay on the ship”

“Hw do you know hes still on the ship”

“He talks a lot of shit but usally does what i say, also I’ve married a lot of people but i generally remember what they sound like and you don’t sound exactly like him”

“What if i have a droid cold”

“I HAVE DROID OC” says you, grace. “HIS NAME IS SHIT”

“No one asked,” growls grievous. “ANY WAY let me in”

“Okay” said k-2so as he let him in

**“No!” said cassian**

**“Okay” said k-2so, letting him in anyway**

**“What the fuck,” said Bodhi**

**“Did Bodhi say fuck?” Dave said from the other room. He pranced in**

**Then he saw grievous ‘holy shit’**

**“Heyyy” said Dave, right in front of his bf, bodhi**

**“Who’s grievous?” asked Jyn, since she doesnt know shit about this stuff**

**“My ex” said K-2so “from when i was still an imperial droid”**

**“Hot” said Grace, scandalized**

**“I love his big strong talons,” said K-2s0**

**“Me too thanks” said Grace**

**“Me too thanks” said dAvé, at almost the same time**

**“You mean nothing to me now, i m a married man and ive moved on” said grievous**

**Everyone was disappointed**

**“You always were mean” said k2.**

**“Grievous was a general in the clone wars,” Cassian told Jyn as an actual real explanation**

**“So what do you want with us?” someone asked**

**“I am takinng you to Vader, to get some**

**“From Vader?”**

**“No, I need money for new llegs.”**

**“Makes sense” said Chirrut**

**“Thats how me n my husband do it he just welds legs on me”**

**“TMI” said Cassian**

**“Hot” I say,, again.**

**“Me too thanks,” dave says again**

**“Me too thanks” K-2so said to dave**

**Dave platonically pats k2 on the shoulder, but I have to reach way up to it bc he tall. The papts sound like hitting a pot with a wooden spoon**

**By the way dave’s hand is a wooden spoon**

**No it’s just a wooden hand bc i lost my hand in the WAR**

**Whoosp sorry**

**Be sensitive**

**“Well anyway you can’t take us to Vader, whatever your sick purposes are,” said Cassian**

**Chirrut drew his stick ( ;^) )**

**Baze drew his sick gun, eyeing the stick**

**Dave drew his blaster and pocketknife, saying “I’ll fight you for my freedom but you can step on me if you want”**

**Grace drew her fists, not really planning on fighting grievous because hes a big ol robot and she like big ol robots**

**Hes technically a cyborg**

**Good enough**

**So they all go to fight grievous but basically Chirrut just pushes him out w the stick and Bodhi closes the door**

**“Nice one,” I say (Dave)**


	3. CHAPTER 2: THE WEDDING

They were in a Space Church on Sand 6. The walls were made of sandstone.

Dave stood by the altar under a wedding arch with Space Flowers. He was dressed in his best Rugged Space War Clothes & balck combat boots

Bodhi walked down the aisle in equally nice clothes and holding more Space Flowers. They were blue and purple

Then they held hands

Bodhi: babe your hands are so cold

Dave: that me wood hand

K-2so was officiating

He looked at the both of them happily and said

“I don’t know what the officiating words are”

“I do” said Dave

“Ok I’ll just go sit down” said k-2so and he left to go sit down on the grass

all the people were in their chairs and he was supposed to be officiating it and no one wanted to stain their formal outfits on the sand

Because no one can afford an extra set in this imperialist economy

There was only one patch of grass on the whole desert planet and K2 went to go sit on in dejectedly

Cassian and Grace say bye as he begins his mile long walk to the patch of grass

Cassian comes up to actually officiate the wedding. He said the actual officiating words and they both said “I do” and were about to kiss when SUDDENYL….

**Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin** BURSTS IN!

“IM DONE BEING STRAGLED AND IM HERE TO RUIN THIS WEDDING” AND he knocked over a vase of flowers onto the floor angrily

“Oh my force!” Said Chirrut “It’s  **Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin!”**

Baze stanced in front of Chirrut protectively “Not  **Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin!** **”**

Dave was only crying a little. “What are you doing here,  **Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin?** ”

“I’m here to bring you to justice for your CRIMES.”

They all drew their weapons again but from both side of **Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin** came STORMSOTOPERS with blasters

There was about to be a huge shootout but then an x-wing crashed though the ceiling, nearly obliterating the chunch and fucked UP the stromtroopers

The pilot of the x-wing just happened to looke exactly like poe Damerron

“Hello” he said “im the pilot”

“Thats my line” said Bodhi

“Me too thanks” said not-poe

“Me too thanks” said bodhi

“Now we can finish our wedding,” Dave said. Somehoe all the guests survived the x-wing crash (though there were a few injuries from falling rocks) but all the storm troopers died but not  **Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin**

There was also cool music playing and Cassian finished officating the wedding and they kissed so now we’re husbands.

K-2so was still sitting on his patch of grass. There was cake but he couldn’t have eaten it anyway so he kept moping on his grass

Cassian paged and called him “You can come back now” he said

“Im good” said k-2so, since he hasnt touched grass in over a year because every planets either a fucking jungle or a desert

Grace was sad bc she wanted to dance w him at the wedding reception. Those long gams are great for dancing, probably

Grace repressed her emotions by binge-eating the wedding cake, thinkin bout thoses gams.

Dave was having a good time dancing and also getting fucked up off space booze

Then everyone went back to rogue one where they all live and theyve all got sleeping bags and say goodnight to each other before going to sleep

**To be continues...**

**Author's Note:**

> Image credit:  
> https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/exeggutor/70950025657 (original art by Colin)  
> The X-Files  
> https://www.facebook.com/TheSimpsonsArt/photos/a.165848826807082.38519.165754846816480/690759780982648/?type=3&theater (2 strange creatures eating a slice of water melon in the desert by Chris (Simpsons Artist))


End file.
